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Thread: Bobby's Random Ramblings

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    Do I look like I care Bobby180's Avatar
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    Default Bobby's Random Ramblings

    just shit that I hear or think up, kinds like stand up comedy, but i sit down and do it, feel free to add ya own, I'll start lol


    Why did you stab your wife with a carving knife?
    I felt a spoon would be ineffective your honour.


    Some people think the bell end is for the male's pleasure.
    Some people think the bell end is for the female's pleasure.
    I think its to stop me punching myself in the forehead.



    Shhhhhh!!.......Don't tell anyone...... I'm gonna go down on you.......And you're gonna love it...................But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it............Then I'm gonna come back up again and fuck you big time.....Lots of love, Petrol prices xx


    I have brown eyes. I got them from my father.
    My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and people clap and cheer.
    I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried.
    Plus I didn't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.



    I was playing Scrabble earlier and got the letters " F K A C L U L "
    3 hours later and i still cant get fuck all from it.


    I stood over this bloke and said, "I'm going to knock you out you cunt".
    The terror on his face as the anaesthetic kicked in made surgery much more fun.


    Today,the girl who works next to me in the office came back from lunch and started shouting.
    "What's the matter?" I asked.
    "Somebody left a note on my desk saying, "You're the ugliest bitch I have ever seen!"
    "Don't look at me," I said.
    "I wasn't implying it was you, I just-"
    "No seriously, don't look at me; you're fucking hideous."


    My laptop is fucked. It just keeps playing "Chasing Pavements" over and over again.
    I think it's a Dell.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.


    I have this recurring nightmare every day where I meet this beautiful young nymph and she turns into this horrible fat monster who constantly nags at me.
    But at least at night, I get to sleep soundly.


    My girlfriend left me because I was 'fucking horny all the time'.
    Horny was her pet rabbit.

    I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.
    I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."
    But she did.




    My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
    I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    My new girlfriend is extremely strange.
    She explained about her rare condition that means her ovaries are on the outside of her body and so is her fallopean tube. But the other day, the weird bitch tried to get me to kiss them!
    I said, "You really are the strangest girl I've ever met, Brian."


    British soldiers, avoid being shot at by your American comrades simply by growing a beard and dressing like the Taliban.


    I saw a bloke let his dog walk straight out in front of a lorry this morning.
    The cruel cunt didn't even flinch when it was killed. He was too busy standing round, trying to look cool in his sunglasses.


    My wife ran out of petrol this morning.
    It wasn't too much of a problem though, I still managed to light the vapour trail.


    My fucking neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning, can you believe that 2.30am?
    Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums............



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  5. #5
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    My wife is really into double penetration.
    Christmas and my birthday.


    Dear friends.
    As a rather well educated Black man I am appalled at the unimaginative stereo-typical way in which we are all portrayed by the media
    We are not all muggers, rapists or lazy unemployed bastards.
    In fact I work damn hard putting in long hours often working through the night and have done for years.
    So please remember, we are not all the same so try showing a little respect.
    ok, I'm off to work..... These drugs won't sell themselves.

    Thanks
    Jamaal



    I always wake up before I get to shag the girl in my dream, pisses me off. It's kind of like real life but someone wakes her up.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    As I looked down at my son in his coffin, I thought, 'Why can't the little Emo cunt sleep in a bed like normal teenagers?'



    'I've done some horrible, unspeakable things while drunk, and I'd like to add you to that list.'


    Sometimes it's the smallest things that take up the most room in your heart.
    Like blood clots.



    My wife is no fun anymore. I took her ice skating yesterday and did she appreciate it?
    No, she just sat in her wheelchair sulking like a child.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  7. #7
    She Royal
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    smh *loool*

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    To be honest Bruno, the chances of being in exactly the right place at the right to time to intercept a grenade which is headed for someone you love, are statistically highly improbable.

    So shut the fuck up.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  9. #9
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    Me: Can I have a shag?
    Girl: No!
    Me: Wait! I don't think you heard me correctly...
    Girl: Oh, I think I did...
    Me: Fine then, what did I say?
    Girl: "Can I have a shag?"

    And that, Your Honour, is why it wasn't rape.



    A radio station is offering a round the world trip if you can come up with a word thats not in the dictionary and can be put into a sentence. A jamacian calls and says "ma word is guan, spelt g.u.a.n and ma sentence is "guan fuck yourself!" DJ hangs up and apologises to his listeners! 5 mins later a guy calls and said "Ma word is Smee, spelt s.m.e.e. The DJ says ok, now what is your sentence. The guy says "smee again, guan fuck yourself" !!!



    Just talked to a mate in Queensland
    He said that since early this morning the flood's nearly waist high,
    it's pissing down and wind is increasing to near gale force
    His wife has done nothing for hours but look through the kitchen window
    She just stares
    He says that if it gets much worse he may have to let her in



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    I'm in trouble with the wife, we were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body!
    Apparently "identify it" wasn't the right answer.



    I sat down next to my wife and said, "You look so cute when you're concentrating"
    My wife said, "Will you fuck off while I'm trying to have a shit"


    Change is good......ask a tramp.



    I've got a new job playing the triangle in a reggae band, and ting.



    yesterday an australian guy walked up to me and said 'gidday mate, lets put another fish on the chimney'




    I fucked lady gaga last night. It was the best sex iv ever had. But my asshole is still hurting.




    Does the child you put up for adoption want to meet the man who is their biological dad?
    Lighten the mood, by turning up in your Darth Vader outfit.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    You know you've hit rock bottom when you ask out a blind woman and she tells you she's seeing someone


    I came home from work today to find that my wife had killed herself by running a bath and putting the toaster in it.
    I'm completely devastated, how the fuck am I going to make toast now?



    Just bought the best book ever.
    "My House, My Rules" by Joseph Fritzl.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  12. #12
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    As my wife woke this morning, the first thing she said was, " How long you been up?"
    I said, " About five minutes."
    She said, " Take it out and get off, I've got to go to work."


    My wife asked me if there was an exercise machine that could help her drop 10 pounds of ugly fat.
    So I replied "a guillotine"


    If a girl feels awkward watching you masturbate, do you think she:
    A - is a stuck up bitch
    B - is a virgin
    C - she should be sitting somewhere else on the bus



    Vegetarians, cows do not appreciate your sacrifice. They give each other knowing looks and then shit on your food



    My parents always told me "The sky's the limit."
    Which crushed my dreams of being an astronaut.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    If Shakespeare had been gay

    Romeo and Julian
    Anthony and Cleopatrick
    Mincer's Tale
    Ass You Like It
    Homolet
    Tight Arse Andronicus
    Two Gentlemen of Verona (no change needed there then)
    A Midsummer Night's Queen
    The Merchant of Penis
    Monsieur for Monsieur
    Ooh Hello!
    King Queer
    Coriol Anus
    Arse Well That Ends Well



    I have invented a new masturbation technique in which you can only use your imagination, no internet porn allowed.
    Its called ''wank like an Egyptian'




    My girlfriend says usuing an electric toothbrush is lazy.
    And I should just 'do foreplay' like normal people.



    DEAR FACEBOOK,
    They'll all abandon you for something better aswell!
    Your's sincerely,
    MYSPACE



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    Men think about sex every seven seconds.
    Which is why I eat hot dogs in under six seconds...
    so it doesn't get weird.



    I walked into my living room the other day to find my son sitting in front of a roaring fire.
    This was worrying, as we don't have a fireplace.


    I wonder at what age Elton John will tell his son about the bees and the bees?



    Towards the end of his life, michael jackson started to live the life of a scooby doo villain.
    Living in an abandonned amusement park wearing a plastic face.



    Fool Women into thinking their opinions are valued by nodding occasionally and saying 'mmm'.



    Andy Murray should move to Egypt. They cant get anything over the net either



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    Remember, when your prospective father-in-law asks you "Why do you ask for my daughter's hand in marriage?"
    The correct answer is NOT "Because I am tired of using my own."



    Ahh, Facebook mobile.
    Or as I like to call it, "Stalk 'n' Walk."



    Just to let you know the premature ejaculation society dinner is this friday night. No dress code just come in your pants.



    I gave a speech at a science conference last week. I put a lot of work into it, and it paid off. I was given a standing ovation by everyone, except one person in the front row.
    He wasn't even paying attention. He just had his head tilted to the side, typing shit into a computer on his fancy chair.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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