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Thread: Bobby's Random Ramblings

  1. #16
    Do I look like I care Bobby180's Avatar
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    I love the 'you break it you buy it' rule.
    I've always wanted a disabled Hamster.


    My local church has a sign that says 'Jesus loves you'.
    I hope it's not in the same way the Father O'Brian loved me when I was an alter boy.


    My nanna says I'm sick and need help.
    But she's the one who threw up all over my cock.


    I said to the wife, "You should go out without a bra more often."
    "Ooh, does it make me look sexy?" she giggled.
    "Not at all, but it pulls the wrinkles out of your face."


    Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection now that doctors have disabled his pop-up blocker.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  2. #17
    Do I look like I care Bobby180's Avatar
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    Diary of Elisabeth Fritzl, aged 18
    August 29th 1984
    Daddy says he's got a suprise in the basement for me later today, I can't wait to see it!!
    April 26th 2008
    That Bastard.



    My missus said, "I've been contemplating suicide what do you think?."
    I said, "If I was you I'd jump at the chance."


    I bought a new perfume for my girlfriend called Chloroform but she doesn't like it.
    She said it made her sleepy, and her butt sore.


    I was asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in Egypt, but I suspect it's some sort of pyramid scheme


    If a dog watches porn is it bestiality?



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  3. #18
    Do I look like I care Bobby180's Avatar
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    BBC News: "One million march across Egypt".
    Sounds like Moses is at it again


    When I met Tom Cruise in a bar in Los Angeles I asked him what annoyed him most about being famous.
    "That's easy", he replied, "It's all the libellous things that people write about me".
    And then he got down on his knees and sucked my cock.


    Calling out your ex-girlfriend's name during sex is a nice way to show your current girlfriend that you won't forget her either after you leave her.


    I wonder if Will.I.am's last name is acunt?


    A woman at work asked me whether I was kinky.
    I said, "Ask me again, wearing a crotchless bubble wrap thong."



    Why are hurricanes and cyclones always given non threatening names, like Wilma and George?
    Surely, 'hurricane run like fuck' or 'cyclone bastard' would be more appropriate?



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  4. #19
    Learn 2 Love Live 2 Fight Kurupt's Avatar
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    "You know you've hit rock bottom when you ask out a blind woman and she tells you she's seeing someone"

    lol
    “When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist.” — Dom Hélder Câmara

  5. #20
    Do I look like I care Bobby180's Avatar
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    I'd like to thank the Police for their new crimes web-site.
    I can now find the prostitutes waiting to meet me in my area.


    What is it about sitting under a running shower that makes rape victims feel better?


    My wife asked me to take down the blinds while I was up at the window.
    With pinpoint accuracy, I shot them both in the head, sending the guide dogs fleeing the scene.


    My missus asked me why I am always wasting my time watching the TV.
    She thinks I should go and find a job so we can get the electric turned back on.


    It's uncanny really, but the longer the wife and I have been together the more we look alike, talk the same and she's even started finishing my sentences for me.
    Even the prison guards haven't spotted the swap yet.


    G'day. I live in Queensland and I was just laughing at my neighbours at the bottom of the hill the other day when all their houses got flooded out. They're not my neighbours anymore now though.
    After yesterday's cyclone, my house is now 18 miles away!


    Rumour has is that the Bangles are doing a remix of one of their hits and releasing it as a relief single for the people of Australia.
    They're going to call it 'Run Like An Egyptian'.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  6. #21
    Do I look like I care Bobby180's Avatar
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    I was in the hospital earlier and had a cancer scare.
    A bald kid jumped out at me.


    Thanks to the invention of cell phones, I now no longer have to read the back of my toothpaste every time I'm taking a shit


    Sky Sports News.
    Andy Carroll after record £35 million signing for a British Football player: "I want to be treated like everyone else at Liverpool"
    Well, as a coked up girlfriend beater out on bail I don't think you'll struggle



    As Jesus said when he was on the cross;
    'Fuckin' assholes'


    Some rude bastard came up to me the other day and asked why I was so fat
    To which I replied "Cause every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit"
    Shut the cunt up



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  7. #22
    Do I look like I care Bobby180's Avatar
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    My friend keeps saying I have OCD, but the jokes on him, his eyes are 24mm off centre


    Egypt's president says he would like to step down now following protests against him but fears there would be chaos if he did so.
    They responded in saying. "We would be more than happy to stop the rioting and chaos if he stood down...Off a chair with a rope around his fucking neck."



    I was on the train today and a stranger looked me straight in the eye and mouthed the words 'See-You-Next-Tuesday'.
    Luckily I was on my iPad at the time and immediately launched the calendar function and scheduled a provisional appointment.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  8. #23
    Lloyd Banks-F.N.O. Escobar's Avatar
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    A radio station is offering a round the world trip if you can come up with a word thats not in the dictionary and can be put into a sentence. A jamacian calls and says "ma word is guan, spelt g.u.a.n and ma sentence is "guan fuck yourself!" DJ hangs up and apologises to his listeners! 5 mins later a guy calls and said "Ma word is Smee, spelt s.m.e.e. The DJ says ok, now what is your sentence. The guy says "smee again, guan fuck yourself" !!!

    best one, keep it up, these are hilarious


  9. #24
    Do I look like I care Bobby180's Avatar
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    Dwarves..
    First to smell a fart and last to find out it's raining.


    My son is always getting bullied by this one kid because he's ginger.
    So I'm going to make a stand...
    Also a microphone to go with it to make it even funnier.


    I really hate it when my food goes in the wrong hole
    Now i've got banana stuck up my arse


    Just had my first ever threesome with a pair of twins! It was going so well, she went down on me, while the other slowly fingered her, licking her out at the same time. I then turned her over and did her from behind whilst she went down on the other. It was amazing!
    It was going so well until the other tried to stick his cock up my arse.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  10. #25
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    Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife.
    I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she says
    "Remember, you have a wife."


    I hate the term rape!
    I much prefer: spontaneous one night stand!


    "Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not following me."
    It's Twitter, . They're supposed to.


    I always watched my dad shave and couldn't wait to be old enough to do it myself.
    Then I grew wiser and realised shaving one's legs is just gay.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  11. #26
    Do I look like I care Bobby180's Avatar
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    On my tombstone I want it to say:
    'I didnt forward the text message to 15 friends'


    It's a shame lipstick doesn't do what it says?



    I have been shagging this older women and every thing great,.... except she always makes me go shopping with her.
    I hate getting mall'd by cougars.


    My next door neighbour has just found out that I've been using her broadband connection to watch online pornography.
    I was sat at her pc wanking when she came home from work



    My girlfriend's pretty thick, everything goes over her head.
    Fortunately, so do both her feet. So we're still good.


    I can't understand how terrorists convince thousands to die in suicide bombings.
    I can barely convince two friends to help Me move!



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  12. #27
    Do I look like I care Bobby180's Avatar
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    MSN News: 'Teenage Girl Addicted To Eating Soap'.
    Apparently the girl suffers with Tourette's but her parents are very strict.


    At a party last week I saw a lesbian with 17 tongues...
    I thought 'that'll go down well'


    My wife said, "Put your arms around me and give me a cuddle."
    I said, "Who do you think I am? Fucking Inspector Gadget."



    They say that you should never wake a sleepwalker.
    Which is handy because I've been caught sleep-walking in the ladies changing rooms at the gym every day this week



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  13. #28
    She Royal
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    You crazy with these lol
    Keep it up!

  14. #29
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    My mate Tim has his head in the clouds.
    Or at least I assume that's where it went when the barbecue exploded...


    I've been arrested for setting up a website that provides kits to save & protect young moles.
    I mean, what have I done wrong?
    babymolestation.com was proving a big hit.



    I've always been very grateful for the advice I got when I was in school.
    My careers advisor suggested I try a bank job.
    I've been living it up in Brazil ever since.



    I now realise it was a mistake to throw a stone through my ex-girlfriends parents window.
    They didn't even live there any more



    I didn't bat an eyelid when my wife told me to, "Fuck off, and make my own sandwich."
    I prefer to hit her where it doesn't show.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  15. #30
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    My Dad sat me down today to give me 'the talk'...

    He said "First of all, you've gotta make sure it's nice and clean. Give it a quick rub, and you're almost ready to go!... Don't force it in, mind. You might damage something. Make sure it's turned on first and it will slide straight in. Then son, you can sit back, relax, and enjoy your night!"

    "... Dad, for fuck sake. I know how to work a DVD Player".



    I was chatting to my girlfriend when i spotted she was looking at a wedding brochure.
    "Do you think i would look lovely in white, babe?" She said
    "I think you would look lovely in a Red nose and massive shoes baby" I replied.
    "Awww, thanks babe" She said "You think i am that beautiful?"
    "No babe, i just think you're a fucking clown if you think i am marrying you"



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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