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Thread: Bobby's Random Ramblings

  1. #31
    Do I look like I care Bobby180's Avatar
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    I heard a loud buzzing sound coming from my daughter's bedroom last night.
    When I walked into her room, she quickly threw the quilt over herself and shouted, "Dad get out now! Dad get out now!"
    As I quickly shut the door I thought to myself, "Fuck, how big is the wasp?"



    Charlie Sheen is said to have an extreme cocaine addiction.
    Apparently he took enough to kill two and a half men



    Life (n):

    A sexually transmitted disease that results in death. There is currently no known cure.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  2. #32
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    I just rung my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he did was go on about his social life.
    Just kept going on and on about a huge rave.


    Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse for Japan, America have announced that they are going to help rescue the survivors


    I like to think of this recent natural disaster as karma, Japan consumes half the content of the sea, now the sea has consumed half the content of Japan.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  3. #33
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    A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

    "The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

    First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

    The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

    Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

    Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

    Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

    Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

    He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

    Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

    Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  4. #34
    Do I look like I care Bobby180's Avatar
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    It is a human right to live without torture. And I believe that wherever there is suffering, it is each man's duty to relieve people of that suffering wherever possible. We should live in a society where we boldly stand up against the most cruel things in existence, for the single intention of living a life without unnecessary pain.

    Which is why I tried to kill Justin Bieber, your Honour.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  5. #35
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    USA and Canada are in a war of the most annoying.
    USA attacked first with the Miley Cyrus.
    Canada returned fire with the brutal Justin Beiber.
    bit I believe the USA has won the war
    with it's latest creation, the Rebecca Black.
    If Canada tops that, I'm afraid the world may not survive.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  6. #36
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    Never agree to do wife swapping with the Arsenal players. All they do is constantly pass their wives about, they never get inside the fucking box and score.

    "Now,in your own time Miss,explain what happened".
    "Well,after we went back to the suite,he changed,I mean I agreed too some of the kinky stuff he asked,but then-"
    "Its ok,take your time.Do you wish to continue?For the benefit of the tape the victim has nodded her head".
    "Next news his brother comes in the room and Im told that if I really want to make him happy then I will let him join in.That was bad enough,but then they made me wear some of there mothers underwear and they both kept saying "its what she would have wanted",I thought I knew what I was getting into,but I just dont think I can live with myself after what happened.Every time I close my eyes I see there faces,especially the ugly ginger one,gurning away,high fiving each other as they spit roasted me.I want to press full charges officers."
    "These are very serious allegations,are you 100% certain"
    "Yes"
    "Ok Miss Middleton,we will be in touch"


    When those leukemia results first came through saying she'd only days to live, I panicked and thought I'd show my little 4 year old girl the time of her life in Disneyland. It seems to have done the trick as well!
    Although we both do wonder if her Mum will be alive when we get back.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  7. #37
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    'Are you from mac donalds'?
    'No why?are u lovin it?'
    'No, because your fat and greasy'!


    I was amazed when my friend told me he'd been fired for drinking on the job, I mean come on, we've all done it.
    I remember this one time not too long ago when I was working on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico...



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  8. #38
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    I was playing this football game the other day and I was losing badly with my opponents just having scored a belter from 40 yards. So I thought 'Fuck this I'm gonna hack someone. So I did.

    As soon as I hacked him the network went down and I immediately I got this huge list of bank details. What a bonus.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  9. #39
    Forever Eternal Premo's Avatar
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    Bad news is, last week my friend's mom was fired for drinking on the job. Good news is, the sperm donation factory is hiring!

  10. #40
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    When I got home from work last night I found my father in the living room, holding a chimpanzee, surrounded by an assortment of small children. I looked at my wife puzzled and was about to ask her what was going on when my father started beating me savagely with his walking stick. "Sing you black bastard!", he screamed. Next thing I know the police have turned up, smashed the door down and accused me of child abuse. "Many happy returns of the day!" shouted my wife with a big smile, "It's the Michael Jackson Experience!"

    Next time I'll go and buy the bloody game myself.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  11. #41
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    Even though we both speak the same language, it's amazing how there are some subtle differences between American-English and proper English:
    We say "sidewalk" they say "pavement"
    We say "pants" they say "trousers"
    We say "buried at sea" we say "naked and chained to a metal bed frame with a car battery connected to his balls whilst being beaten for answers".


    I'm sick of the US media constantly confusing Osama and Obama.
    Clearly one is the Muslim leader of the largest terror organisation in the world, and the other is lying at the bottom of the ocean.


    I'm a big fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, four hundred million dollars.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  12. #42
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    Years searching for Bin Laden: 10
    Money spent invading Afghanistan: Billions
    Photo morphing programme to doctor pics: Free on internet
    Fooling the world into believing you caught, killed then buried at sea the worlds most wanted man: Priceless



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  13. #43
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    Last night, I had the greatest sex ever with Chery Cole. Boy, does she like it rough! And the best part is, I got to film all of it!
    But I'm not going to show anyone the tape, the anal sex was just too brutal for anyone to see. You're just going to have to believe me that it definitely happened.


    I spent the whole of yesterday searching the whole house for my goldfish.
    I told the kids "10 quid to the one who finds it dead or alive"
    And today, I find the little fucker is in his bowl after all cowering behind his mate.
    So I harpooned the cowardly little bastard with a pen.
    And in accordance with Goldfish law, I flushed him down the toilet within a hour.
    Now the kids was photographic proof that he's dead.



    Osama Bin Laden was NOT killed by the Americans, he was only wounded. I've just seen a picture of him with a fucking massive bandage on his head


    I killed a Unicorn today . I did a DNA test to prove it was a Unicorn, but the pics I took are too horrific to show you . As a mark of respect to the magical beast , I buried it at sea. You all believe me don't you ???



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  14. #44
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    Whenever I see anyone open their mouths, I just wanna shove my cock in.
    Which is probably why I'm not a dentist anymore.

    Health Representatives have warned all countries to avoid eating tomatoes, lettuces and cucumbers.
    Americans are claiming to have been preparing for this for years.


    On this day in 1913, Emily Davison threw herself under a horse for women's suffrage.
    Her husband was devastated. She'd left a massive pile of washing up



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  15. #45
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    You know your wife's fat when you have to ask one of your mates to give you a hand when she wants a hug

    With the sudden influx of Muslims going in to the British army, there is a new group of trainers dealing with them, especially when it comes to explosives, someone has to show them how to detonate bombs with killing themselves


    Nothing says almost caught masturbating like blowing your nose into a kleenex mansize tissue


    BBC News: Wayne Rooney confirms he has had a hair transplant.
    Doctors were fortunate they could just take a graft from the plentiful supply on his knuckles



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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