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Thread: Ya Got Jokes

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    Default Ya Got Jokes

    if ya cant tell by the name of the thread, its about jokes, post em lol


    Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out
    on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado
    for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales
    begins.

    The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest
    cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got
    loose in the corral and gored six men before I
    wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my
    bare hands."

    The second cannot stand to be bested. "Why that's
    nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and
    a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and
    made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my
    bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison
    down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

    The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring
    the coals with his dick.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
    ''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

    The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

    ''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

    Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

    ''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

    ''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''

    The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
    Eighty percent held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
    The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said "I outlived the *****es."



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    Her boyfriend is on the cover of GQ.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

    WOMEN'S REVENGE
    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
    "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
    and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
    and still be afraid of a spider.

    MARRIAGE SEMINAR
    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Larry and his wife Jo Ann listened to the instructor.
    "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
    He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
    Larry leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
    He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

    WIFE VS. HUSBAND
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
    the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


    WORDS
    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
    30,000 to a man's 15,000.
    The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and said, "What?"

    CREATION
    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
    so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
    "The wife responded, "Allow me to expl ain.
    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

    WHO DOES WHAT
    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
    The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
    The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"

    The Silent Treatment
    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
    Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
    "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    30 And Older

    > If you are 30 or older...
    >
    > If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
    >
    > When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
    > diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with
    > walking twenty-five miles to school every morning . . . uphill BOTH ways .
    > .
    > . through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their
    > backs . . . to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a
    > Straight-A average, despite their full- time, after-school job at the
    > local textile mill . . . where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to
    > help keep their family from starving to death!
    >
    > And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in
    > hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I
    > had it and how easy they've got it!
    >
    > But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look
    > around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean,
    > compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it
    > but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I
    > was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we
    > had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card
    > catalog!!
    >
    > There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter . . . with
    > a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in
    > the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
    >
    > There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to
    > hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to
    > wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk
    > over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
    >
    > And talk of about hardships? You couldn't just download xxx! You had to
    > steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy
    > of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!
    >
    > We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and
    > somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have
    > fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it
    > was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, a
    > collections agent - you just didn't know!!!
    > You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
    >
    > We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution
    > 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and
    > "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You
    > actually had to use your imagination!
    > And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen
    > forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and
    > harder and faster and faster until you died!! Just like LIFE!
    >
    > When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
    > All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a
    > hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
    >
    > Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15
    > channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to
    > use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were
    > screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and
    > walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network
    > either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what
    > I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little
    > brats!
    >
    > And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had
    > to use the stove or go build a frigging fire. Imagine that! If we wanted
    > popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the
    > stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about!
    > You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.
    >
    > You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!!!!!



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
    The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

    The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

    The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.

    The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.

    The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

    "What? You're crazy!" she said.

    "Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

    "Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

    "At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

    "I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

    "Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

    "NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

    Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

    At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

    "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

    "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
    hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

    "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

    "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

    "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
    naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
    son of a ***** didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

    "Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

    "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

    Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
    And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

    "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

    "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
    the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

    The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

    "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
    REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
    that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    A young man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex.

    The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.

    The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man to eat her pussy. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.

    The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.

    A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.

    Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those!"



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.

    They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

    The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

    The alien repeated the greeting.

    There was no response.

    The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

    The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

    There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap.

    When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

    The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.

    The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.

    One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"

    The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.

    "It's about 2:00", he says.

    The tourist can't believe what he just saw.

    He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story,

    "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!"

    One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.

    He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done.

    He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.

    The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air.

    Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

    The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

    She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

    When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

    "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

    I asked him what to give you." He said, "**** him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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    A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.

    When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting.

    He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.

    While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course.

    Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

    She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

    He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.

    She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th."

    Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar.

    He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

    He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"?

    She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

    "Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."

    With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh."

    "That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  14. #14
    Do I look like I care Bobby180's Avatar
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    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

    In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

    One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

    After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

    The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

  15. #15
    Do I look like I care Bobby180's Avatar
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    Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives.

    The Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"

    He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring."

    The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?"

    The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy."

    The Poor man says, "O.K. That works."

    The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?"

    The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."

    The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"

    The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself!"



    The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision



    Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter

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